Chapter Fourtyeight – Do You Have A Child?

You stay at the hotel all through the weekend. Truth be told, you really don’t have anywhere else to go. But the room isn’t exactly free, so Monday morning, you decide to move into your SUV, just until you can get your apartment back in shape. No use in talking to Rumlow. You basically told him to come to you, when he was ready. But, oh lord how you miss his hands on you.

When you park the SUV in the SHIELD garage, you’re actually looking forward to training. To get out of your head for a while. Fighting is something you know how to do. It comes easy to you. And when you fight, you can forget Rumlow for a while.

Just as you’re about to enter the training area, Rollins shouts your name.

– Hey, YN. Pierce wants you in his office!

You blood runs cold throughout your body. Did Rumlow say something about what happened this weekend. That you froze up. Will you be fired? The Rumlow you thought you knew would’ve never done that. But you have come to the conclusion that you do not know him at all. And that side of him that you do not know. That side might do something like this.

– Did.. Do you know why?

Rollins shakes his head, before he places a hand on your shoulder.

– Probably something about field training or some shit. Don’t stress it, YN!

The five story elevator ride from the training area, up to Pierces office feels like a month. A long month. You prepare yourself for the worst. You know you froze up. But you haven’t been training that long. And you should really be allowed one mess up. At least since it wasn’t in the field. And no one died.

When you reach Pierces door, you lift you arm to knock, but then you hear Rumlows voice. You stop. Maybe this is your chance, to know what he doesn’t want to talk about. Is he trying to protect you from something?

– With all due respect, sir. I won’t do that!

Rumlow sounds angry, even when he uses that respectful tone. This is something he really don’t want to do.

– This is not up for discussion, Lt. Rumlow! Knifes are your specialty. And I clearly remember you asking to train her!

Silence.. Should you keep listening in? No, this feels wrong. He should tell you when he’s ready. You knock..

– Come on in, Agent YLN!

You open. Rumlow’s standing by his chair. He didn’t even sit down? This must be something really uncomfortable. But didn’t Pierce mention knifes? You can’t imagine Rumlow being uncomfortable around knifes. You still remember how he handled the knife that night at the bar with David. How it almost looked like it was glued to his hand, like it was a part of him. Him being afraid of knifes is just not an option. Is it you then? He doesn’t want to spend time with you.

– Agent YLN. Meet your special weapons and firearms trainer! I believe you already know him.

You look at Rumlow. He looks down. Absolutely not like him. Is it you, or is it this Pierce guy?

– uh.. err.. Yes. I know him. What about Ja… Agent Rollins?

– You have excelled Agent YLN. I believe Agent Rollins has done what he can do. So I’m handing you over to Lt. Rumlow. You’ll start right away.

Pierce turns to Rumlow.

– Agent Rollins will step in as head of Field Ops, while you spend time with our new recruite.

Rumlow keeps looking down. You’re unsure if Pierce notices. But you do. You know this look. This was how he looked at you at the hotel. You thought it was anger at first. But maybe it’s something else. A grief or a loss of some kind. You swallow.

– Is that understood Lt.?

– Yes Sir!

– Dismissed!

Rumlow turns around, doesn’t look at you, just walks straight pass you. You follow. Yet again you walk behind him. Will you ever find back to what you had? Not even in the elevator he’s looking at you. You try not to look at him ether. But it’s almost impossible.

When you reach the right floor, he doesn’t say anything. He just exits the elevator, and walk towards the training area. When he walks pass Rollins. He throws a set of keys to him. Rollins catches them mid air.

– You’re head of Field Ops. Pierce wanted me to do special weapons training with this one.

Oh, so that’s what you are now? «This one». Rollins looks at you. You send him an «I’m OK look» but you know that he doesn’t believe you. You don’t believe it yourself either. But Pierce gave you an order, and you, as an Agent and an employee, you are expected to follow that order.

Inside the training area, Rumlow stops in front of you, turns around. For a while you just look at each other. Why can’t he just say something. He can yell at you even. Everything is better than this silent treatment.

– Would you mind if we did this some other place?

Is it fear you hear in his voice? You look at him.

– Look, YN! I…

He clears his throat.

– Pierce gave me an order. And I’ll follow through. But maybe we could train at my place?

His place? That place he once called our place. You haven’t been there since you left. And now he wants you back there. Why can’t you do the training here at SHIELD. All the equipment you need is here. It feels more rational to do it here. But, then again, what do you know? He’s the expert.

– Sure? Whatever you say Lt.

He gives you a sharp nod, before he turns and walks to the door. You don’t move. What just happened? Is he really that adamant on not telling you, that he decided to treat you like a regular employee?

– What are you waiting for, Agent? Let’s go!

Did… Did he just pull rank on you? Well, guess the relationship is over. Then, what are you still doing here, YN? Oh, yeah.. That’s right. You have no place else to go. Your parents don’t want you back, and well.. You started fresh. It wasn’t easy. But you did. Are you really prepared to do that all over again? You sigh, then you follow him down to the garage.

You don’t say anything the whole ride back to his place. You can feel your eyes start to burn, but you push it away. You left, YN! Remember! You left because he didn’t want to talk to you. He didn’t want to share. He shut you out. And you couldn’t deal with that.

Up in his apartment, you look around. He redecorated. Two new shelves up on the wall, and a new table and dresser. Did he want to get every memory of you out of his apartment?

Rumlow leaves for the bedroom. You study the shelves. Some medals, and pictures, and an angel made of clay. Looks like something a kid would make at school. Does he have kids? It wouldn’t surprise you. He never used protection with you, and he never asked if you did. It would most certainly not be a surprise if he had more than one child. And that would of course be something he’d be afraid to tell you. But why? If he does have children, why would he think that would bother you?

– Brock?

You take a deep breath.. Well, there’s no turning back now..

– Yeah!

How do you ask? What do you say? You want him to know that you’re OK with this. That him having children doesn’t bother you. But how do you ask the question in a manner that’ll say just that?

Rumlow comes back from the bedroom, he puts a black bag down on the floor in front of him. Looks at you.

– Something you wanted to say?

You clear your throat. Look up at the angel on the shelf again. He follows your eyes. And.. Was that a defeat you saw in his eyes? Why is this so hard for him to tell you? Children are great. You always wanted a family. Of course, you kinda always managed to find «the right» men. So, well. No kids for you. At least not yet.

– Do you have a child?