Chapter Four – Here Right Now!

You don’t know what to say to him, or if you should say anything at all. He holds your hand all the way upstairs, he only lets you go when he walks into the guest room, and you walk in to your room. This doesn’t feel real. Did you actually kiss Brock?

You take your time changing. You need to think. Does this mean anything, or was it some spur of the moment thing from his side? You don’t have enough experience to figure that out. And you sure as hell won’t ask him. You’re not that desperate. Even if it is Brock. Did he really mean that he shouldn’t have kissed you? And if so, why the hell did he? Is it even possible for someone to initiate a relationship of any kind when they’re 26 years apart? Even though Brock is kinda childish, he’s still 26 years older than you. Oh, yeah, and don’t forget that he’s also your dad’s best friend.

You sit on your bed for a while, contemplating if you should go downstairs or not. Finally you decide to go. You’ll never get rid of Brock anyway. He comes over so often that he practically lives here. Probably best to just forget this ever happened. Move on. At least that’s something you know how to do. Two times over the last four years, your life got turned upside down, almost over night.

You lived here in Texas your whole life. Both your parents had their families here, both pretty well off. You had all your memories here, all your friends, everything. So when your mom got a new boyfriend, and decided to move to New York, when you were 16, your world crumbled. You remember how you begged to move into your dads house, but your mom wouldn’t let you. And your dad, well, he didn’t want to start an argument, so he just went with what your mom said. You suspected that your mom did it to get more child support, and your dad, well, he would probably go through hell to avoid talking to your mom. When you come to think about it, the fact that you even exist is a miracle, given the relationship your parents have now, you can’t imagine them ever getting close enough to have a child together.

Brock is sitting on the couch when you come down the stairs. He’s leaning back, looking up at the ceiling. A green t shirt and stonewashed jeans on, his legs widely parted. You look at him, swallowing. Did he really kiss you? Out there. In the pool. Brock lifts his hands, and are about to put his face into them, when he sees you. He stops, for a second you just look at each other.

– YN…

He finally says. Casual, act casual YN. you think for yourself.

– Who else?

You answer, and walk into the kitchen. You have absolutely no idea what you’re doing in there, but you can’t walk back into the living room without bringing anything with you. You open the fridge.

– Want anything to drink? Water, soda?

You ask, slowly turning towards the living room. Brock is standing right behind you. You jump.

– Jeez, Brock! Scare me much?

Again his eyes moves down your body, before he looks back up into your eyes.

– I’m sorry, YN!

He says, and you can see the vains on his neck pumping blood like crazy. Is he nervous?

– For what?

You ask, unsure if you’ll manage not to cry if he tells you that the kiss was a big mistake.

– This!

He says, before his lips brush over yours. The bottle of water in your hand falls to the floor, when you drop it, to put your hands on Brock. He slips his arms around you again. Still soft and careful. Slowly bringing your bodies closer together. One of his hands glide up on the inside of your shirt, up your back. Slow and careful. You feel like your legs are about to give in under you.

You part your lips, and your tongue finds his again. Your belly clenches when he lifts you up, placing you on the kitchen counter.

– Brock..

You almost gasp his name. He stops right away. Looks at you.

– Don’t stop!

You say, grabbing his shirt. His hand moves up to your face, gently cupping it. His eyes looks deeply into yours. You carefully nod your head, to show him that this is OK.

His lips meets yours again, your tongues find each other, swirling around. His hands travel up your back, on the inside of your shirt. You move your body closer to his. His hands are rough, but the way he touches you with them are so soft and tender. Maybe working as a mechanic required you to have both those qualities.

Ever since your dad and Brock took a step back from the military, when you were around five years old, Brock had owned his own garage. The only real one around these parts, back then. Over the years they expanded, and now the Rumlow name was well known also outside of Texas. You remember you thought it was so cool, when you were in high school, that you could spend the afternoon in the Rumlow garage. Brock actually taught you to fix your bike by yourself. A trait you still have, to this day.

And now, now you’re sitting on the kitchen counter, kissing him, touching him, feeling his hands on you, his breath. It’s almost like you don’t believe it, that you’re dreaming, and if you are, you never want to wake up.

You slide your hands up his back, under his shirt, you can feel his muscles flexing. His skin is warm. You never want to let him go. You want to stay in this moment forever.

His lips moves down to your neck, his facial hair tickling you a bit, you lean your head back, to give him better access. His lips on your neck sends shivers down your spine, and your belly clenches again. You’ve never felt anything like this before. You pull him even closer, almost without realising that you do. His lips moves up to your ear, breathing into it.

– We need to stop this, YN!

He whispers. Still breathing heavily, and not moving away from you. It’s like he don’t want to let you go.

– No, Brock!

You say, turning your head to kiss him again.

– We’re not ready to take this any further…

He says, before he kisses you again, and then gives you a long hug.

– But, Brock…

You try. Leaning your head into his upper body. His heart is beating like crazy.

– Not yet, YN. We’re not ready.

He says again, lifting you down from the counter. Holding you close. When you finally break apart from each other, he looks at you again.

– I’m not ready!

He says, taking a deep breath.

– Ready for what?

You ask. What is he talking about? None of you were ready for this.

– To lose my clothes with you…

He answers. You don’t quite understand. Weren’t you almost naked earlier today in the pool, what’s the difference?

– Who said we were going to lose our clothes?

You ask. Probably sounding like a naive 20 year old virgin. You get that the second the words leave your mouth. Why isn’t your brain to mouth filter working?

Brock smiles.

– It would have happened. We both know that.

He says, looking at you, searching for an answer. Then his expression changes.

– We both know that, right?

He asks, searching your face. You look down, when you understand what he’s asking about.

– You don’t…

He says, dragging his hand through his hair. Still you don’t answer. What can you say?

– You don’t!

He says again. You look up at him, shaking your head. You don’t manage to say the words out loud. The fact that you’re 20 and still a virgin, isn’t exactly something you usually broadcast.

– So.. You’re a virgin? Oh, fuck! What did I do?

You feel your tears about to burst out from your eyes, and you take a shaking breath. You’ve lost him for sure now. Brock looks at you, compassionate, before he wraps you in a hug, caressing your hair.

– Hey, YN! It’s fine. Totally fine. Just a bit of a shock that’s all.

You can’t hold your tears back anymore. This is embarrassing, and you’re scared. Scared to lose him, scared to have him, scared of everything. This moment, right here, right now. This is the only time in your entire life you wished you weren’t.

– I know. I’m a loser, right?

You say through your tears. Brock gently takes your face, kisses you softly.

– You’re not a loser, YN! I have deep respect for people like you.

Brock keeps looking at you. You look back. Your tears stops.

– People like me?

You finally ask.

– Yeah, people that waits. People that finds that really special person to be the first. You’ll always remember that first one. It’s a big deal.

Brock looks into your eyes as he’s talking. To show you that he really means what he says. You find him really old fashioned right now. Sex is everywhere these days, you can easily get access to porn online, and even regular movies kept pushing the limits.

– It’s just sex…

You say. You know you and Brock grew up at different times, but it can’t be THAT different, can it? Porn has been around forever. He must have seen some.

Brock gently lets his hand caress your face, before he gives you another kiss. Smiling at you when he pulls back.

– There’s nothing JUST about sex!

He says. His hazel brown eyes, almost drowns you. He means it. Maybe sex is a huge deal for him.

– Come on now, let’s go in for landing with a movie before we go to bed!

He roughs up your hair a little bit, before he takes your hand, and walks you into the living room.

Brock sits down on the couch, and you lie down and place your head in his lap, you don’t know why, it’s not like he asked you to. You just feel like doing it. You can feel him looking down at you, so you turn your head and look back up at him. He gives you a big smile, before he puts his hand in your hair, caressing it.

You get to watch maybe the first ten minutes of the movie before you fall asleep. Brocks hand in your hair makes you relax that much. It’s been years since you fell asleep on the couch. And, well, it’s been a long and eventful day.