Chapter Fourtyone – What Did You Do To Deserve This Treatment?

You look at his back all the way to the car. All you can think of is how much you want to slide your fingers through his hair. You have to concentrate not to cry again. How did this happen? What can you do to make it right? This morning you were so happy, and now.. It feels like this day has lasted a whole year.

He follows his normal routine when you get to the car. Opens the door for you, and helps you in. It feels so good to have his hand in yours, but you don’t look at each other.

You look over at him a couple of times while you drive home. You don’t say anything. What can you say? And he basically told you to shut up. You look down on your hands, nervously drumming your fingers on your thigh.

– How did training go?

He doesn’t look at you while he’s talking. And you don’t know if that’s because he doesn’t want to, or if he’s scared in some way. You’ve never seen this part of him before. You swallow.

– Well.. I feel like I’ve gained 20 pounds with all this stuff. But I guess I did good.

Rumlow clears his throat.

– And Rollins?

The way he says his name. Is he jealous? Why would he be jealous? There is no reason to. Does he think it is?

– What about him?

– Did he give you that bruise on your jaw?

You pull down the mirror, and study your jaw. Yep, definitely a bruise. He did throw a good punch at you. You reach up and touch it. Thankfully it doesn’t hurt that much. You look over at Rumlow, he’s still looking at the road ahead.

– It was my fault. I wasn’t paying attention.

– So, he hit you?

You don’t know what to say. He sounds almost angry. And you don’t want to ruin his friendship with Rollins.

– We were training, Brock. Stuff happens…

He glances over at you.

– Stuff….

He lets the word hang in the air.

You look back down again, and none of you says anything else for the rest of the drive home.

———————-

When you enter the apartment, Rumlow goes straight to the bathroom. You fall down on the couch. Drag your hands through your hair. Lean back, and look up at the ceiling.

– If you want to take a shower. I made room for your gear in the bathroom.

You look up at him. Still in his gear. No «will you join me in the shower» or «let’s take a shower», nothing.

– Listen, Br…

– I’ll order some food. Let me know when you’re finished. And try not to use all the warm water.

He stopped you. He actually cut you off, when you tried to tell him something. Why won’t he listen to you? What did you do to deserve this treatment?

You sigh, and walk to the bathroom. The shower actually helps. And you get to cry out your tears of frustration. You leave the bathroom wearing only a towel. You can feel Rumlows eyes on you when you walk through the living room. You try not to look at him. Let him be mad at me. Obviously no use to try to talk to him. Is he mad about Pierce moving you to Delta, or because Rollins is the one training you?

You decide to only wear your underwear and a big shirt. Maybe you could try to turn him on. At least a little bit. Angry sex is better than no sex. And angry sex with him… For fucks sake, YN. Get it together, you’re not a nympho.

When you enter the living room again, you can hear that Rumlow already hit the shower. You could go in there. Get in the shower with him. If he doesn’t want to talk. You don’t have to. You just want to feel him. You start to walk towards the bathroom. But halfway there, you change your mind. No use, anyway. He’ll probably won’t even let you. Maybe you could talk when you go to bed.

The hours before you go to bed are awkward. You sit there on the couch next to each other. But none of you are saying anything. You barley look at each other. You desperately want to talk to him, but you can’t find the right words. Maybe you should quit all together. Say Thanks, but no, to the Delta stuff. But then, what would you do?

Fuck! You don’t want to do this anymore. You just want to sleep it off, and hopefully start fresh tomorrow. He can’t possibly be mad at you forever. You didn’t decide this. Pierce did. You just followed orders. Isn’t that what Agents do? Follow Pierces orders without question? He does that. Hell, he didn’t even sit down, before Pierce told him to. He couldn’t possibly mean that you should disobey orders, on the first day.

– I’m going to bed!

You get up from the couch. Rumlow doesn’t even look up. What’s the matter with him? Did Pierce give him a hard time?

– You take the bed, YN! I’ll take the couch!

WHAT?!?? You’re not sleeping in the bed together? Why?

– Brock!

Finally he looks up at you. You look back. Great, he shut off his feelings again. Dead eyes. Perfect, just great.

– Don’t be ridiculous, YN! You need the sleep. Training again tomorrow, remember?

– But…

– I’m not discussing this, YN! Good night!

Why does he keep shutting you out like this? It can’t be for the yelling alone. Although, you probably overreacted. It’s just that your life changed over night, when you met him. And it keeps changing, faster that you can keep up with.

Arrg.. Fuck it. Just go to bed, YN. Sleep it off. He’ll be back to his normal self tomorrow. He probably just needs some time to process everything. God knows you do.

You walk towards the bedroom. When you reach the door, you turn around. Looking at the back of his head. Please turn around, Brock! I need you! I can’t do this Agent thing without you. He’s not turning around. Infact, he’s barley moving. You give up. Walk into the bedroom, and close the door behind you.

The bed feels even bigger without him this time. You can’t help feeling like you’ve lost him. Maybe you should leave. But where would you go? Do you want to go back to your old place, after this? Knowing that you can see his place just by looking out the window. Would you be able to take it if he brought another girl with him home? Would you be able to work at the same place as him, if you’re no longer together? To see him every day? See him with others? Rumlow, with other girls….

…The thought makes you tear up. You don’t want to lose him. You want to be his girl forever. You’re fooling yourself, YN! This was never going to work. 17 years age gap, him doing what he does for a living. And the way you met. Him saving you. And now that David’s dead, you don’t need saving anymore. Of course it ends here. Stupid..

You finally fall asleep, tears still running from your eyes…